Welcome to The Saferoom Project eNewsletter!!
     a note from the Editor

    be well.
      ~ copper_beech

More details on our Con can be found at our web page, at (SRPCon Updates). If you have any questions, write the founders at saferoomproject@yahoo.com.

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable..."

Continuing our look at Twelve Step programs, I focus today's article on a basic analysis of the first step.

There is a reason that this statement forms the basis of the Twelve Step creed, and is the initial building block for support organizations. People cannot work to overcome problems until they first admit that there are, in fact, problems to overcome. The rational necessary to make a sound choice cannot exist in a person who has no options to choose from; "To drink or not to drink," becomes "whiskey or wine."

Quite often it takes a person actually "hitting bottom" before s/he realizes that a problem exists, and that the problem has gained control of his/her life. But how can an addiction, a dependence on some foreign substance or compulsive activity, come to dominate all of the activities in a person's life? Is it chemical? Is it psychological? Can it be a combination of those two elements, or some wholly undiscovered reason floating unglimpsed throughout the human experience? Opinions vary, but after coming to terms with the existence of a problem like addiction, one must then admit to powerlessness against the problem, which is where the major difficulty for childhood abuse survivors lies.

Childhood abuse, whether it is sexual, physical, emotional, or spiritual--or indeed any abusive situation at all-- can develop through a relationship in which an imbalance of power exists...an adult, a teacher, a boss, a minister, a dentist, a trusted family friend, with all of these social positions comes a responsibility. Most times that responsibility is respected; sometimes it is abrogated, and abuse, subtle or overt, occurs.

The survivor of childhood abuse spent some portion of his/her young years powerless against various situations and now, as adults, puts himself/herself right back into those subservient roles...only this time instead of a babysitter, s/he subsumes to a bottle, or an unsavory activity. This subservience, unfortunately, feels normal as some survivors replay the events of childhood over and over again, trying to mask the memories by paradoxically reliving them.

To admit that one lacks power, then, is to admit that one has returned symbolically to those awful childhood events. This, however, is where healing with Twelve Step programs has to begin. To acknowledge the fact that you are not in control, and were not in control, that what was happening to you was beyond your ability to stop, is where the beginnings of self-forgiveness lives.

Forum Glitches...
The most recent Yahoo complaint has been not being able to access chat, or being kicked out it once there... As well, Messenger has been quite temperamental lately, apparently with some servers not connecting. Please know that we are aware of these problems, and any complaints as such for Yahoo should be directed to Yahoo Forum Bugs. There are no problems being reported currently at Delphi or Excite.

Saferoom.org
Our web site was down due to server error the end of last week. It is up and running fine, now. Please stop by and check it to fill out the forms necessary for each forum, find out forum guidelines, and catch up on general forum events.

On the Internet you don't have the advantage of tone of voice or body language to help you figure out what someone really means. What we read goes thru the filters of our life experience and interprets it. Your experience may interpret a comment as an attack due to you life experiences. The other person views it as a joke due to his her life experiences. The problem is : do you have enough information about this person’s true intention to warrant attacking the person back, because his/her words triggered you? Learning verbal self-defense will help you deal with such situations.

Initially, if you can't tell if someone is intentionally attacking you, ask. It's relatively simple, and allows you to exercise your ability to speak up for and stand up for yourself in a non-threatening way. Whether the person will admit s/he is attacking you is another story. The point is, you gave the person the option to clarify their intention BEFORE you retaliated.

There are 4 basic principles of verbal self-defense that will help you accomplish this goal:

1. Know that you are under attack. You must learn to recognize verbal attack. If you don't understand or recognize verbal aggression is or how to recognize it, you are a perfect target.
2. Know what kind of attack you are facing. Using tone of voice or body language are totally out in the case of Internet communication. You must learn to recognize patterns of attack and how to judge the skill level of the other person is at attacking others.
3. Know how to make your defense fit the attack. The written weapon should fit the occasion. If you suspect the other person is kidding around, a gentle wake-up pat is better than blasting that person with a machine gun. You need to learn an appropriate response and level of intensity. know when "enough is enough".
4. Know how to follow through. You must be prepared to follow through with your response once you decide it. The goal of learning to stand up for yourself is to prevent violence--not escalate it.

Virginia Satir was a famous therapist who developed five common verbal patterns. Understanding these will also help you communicate with others:

1. The placater: The placater loves to please people and fears making anyone angry. Remember Edith Bunker from ‘All In The Family’? Edith was a placater, always trying to soothe away every little problem and avoid confrontation with Archie.
2. The blamer: A blamer feels uncared about by everyone. S/he feels no respect for his/her feelings and needs. For example, "If you really cared about me, you would answer every post I write." My guess is this is the Comediene's Rodney Dangerfield's style.
3. The computer: Remember Data or Mr. Spock from ‘Star Trek’? The computer is terrified for anyone to know s/he has feelings. For example, "What you describe is a common feeling among survivors..." "That event shouldn't have alarmed any rational person...". The computer rarely uses "I" in a sentence, which keeps him/her separate from the words s/he uses, and the feelings s/he describes.
4. The distracter: The distracter feels panicked and doesn't know what to say, so s/he chaotically cycles from one verbal pattern to another. For example, "I don't know what to say, but I've got to say something soon!" The distracter is like Chicken Little in the children's story--totally convinced the sky is falling down and must stop it!
5. The leveler: This person simply levels with you. Remember Joe Friday in 'Dragnet'? "Just the facts, Ma'am." This type of leveler is honest and easy to deal with. However, the phony leveler can be more dangerous and/or difficult to deal with than all the other categories put together. A leveler is also very hard to spot. A Used Car Salesman trying to convince you a piece of junk car is the one for you, is the best example of a leveler. S/he knows the car is junk but knows how to appear to be leveling w/ you in an honest, sincere way. "It's got a few scratches, missing a few knobs, but she runs like a top." In the end s/he convinces you because of the appearance of honest leveling and you buy the car even tho you have second thoughts.

Practice these communication skills, and see if your actions and reactions in online forums begin to reflect more positive patterns. Print these tips, and keep them handy when you are in a chat room, or responding to a questionable post. Note, this information is'nt intended to tell people in chat how they are behaving, but as a means for you to understand what that person is really thinking or feeling, and how to more appropriate react to it. Experiment and practice. For example, read posts and try to guess the verbal tone with your notes in front of you. Decide for yourself whether the tone is blaming, placating, computing, distracting or leveling. And of course, when in doubt, ASK.

In Part 2 of this series, I will discuss how to defend yourself from ill intent online.

Most of you are already aware that you can donate funds to The Project by shopping though our web site. This month we feature our affiliates Disney, and Hershey's . You can visit their sites, and make online purchases by clicking the images here. To make contributions to The Project while you shop online, visit our Shop at The Project site. All donations go to the upkeep and maintenance of our web site, hosting fees, private server, and to our incorporation and legal non-profit status application fund. If you do not wish to shop online, but still desire to donate funds to The Project, please direct these inquiries to mrs88888 and copper_beech.

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