The Saferoom Project eNewsletter Edition 26, vol 3.5

15 December 2001
Edition 26, vol 3.5
Saferoom.org

Updates on The Saferoom Project
In the Rooms...
Shop The Project
Therapy Landscape: Book Review
What Our Members Are Doing
Reflection on the Con
Call For Submissions: ...Writers... Poets... Artists
Acknowledgements
About The Saferoom Project eNewsletter

Welcome to The Saferoom Project eNewsletter!!

Happy Holidays!!!
a note from the Editor

I hope this edition finds everyone well! Welcome to all of the new Project members, as well as our vets! This holiday season finds a lot of us in a more stressful setting than the usual festive fare. I hope that each of you take care of yourselves through this occasion. Please know that our thoughts are with each of you as we go into a celebratory time, and a reflective season for the dramatic events of this year. Many members have expressed in the forums and privately how to cope with the unusually over the top stress of this season, and the recent world events. In light of this, many have said they are having greater problems connecting with the spirit of the season. This year may be a better time than ever to create your own holiday customs and traditions. So many survivors become overtaxed by the financial burdens of gift-giving, the logistics of shopping, travel, spending time with people you may not necessarily want to spend time with... These are all very stressful things. When you add in ANY predisposal to PTSD, family issues, stress of coping with daily life, seasonal ritualistic abuse... it all spells a really hard time.

Remember that the spirit of whatever holiday you are celebrating should be exactly what you want and need it to be. The holidays themselves, no matter what your culture, are based in affirming each other, ourselves, supporting, giving, sharing, celebrating, joy, life, rebirth, renewal... Finding what makes you feel in the holiday spirit. Observe what about the season makes you happy, and then weed out what doesn't. In short, create your own rituals for celebration. It's not hard to do that. The thing that's hard to do is to stick to them. Why? Because breaking away from the tradition of your family practices for the holidays challenges your boundaries. Finding your own rituals for celebration may mean disagreeing with the family. It may mean doing things a different way, or at a different time than usual.

Perhaps it comes down to what you want. Most of us have worked on our healing enough to know that we have certain triggers. Consequently through the process of elimination and consistent affirmation, we’ve worked through some of those triggers. In order to manage triggers, we had to figure out what we wanted—-to be able to interact in whatever the situation is, without the reaction of the trigger. If we applied that same logic to how we cope with the holidays, maybe it would make carving out our own traditions worth far more than the hastle it is to just keep doing things the same stressful way, year after year.

Whatever you do for the holidays, remember that Saferoom is here. You may have to sit tight a few minutes until someone else comes, but someone will come.

Peace with you this season, and always.

And thank you for your continued support of The Project!
be well!
~ copper_beech

Updates on The Saferoom Project....

We would like to thank Lesbian Friends in Recovery (LFR) for naming The Saferoom Project Site of the Year (2001). It's wonderful to have their support, and friendship within the survivor community. We invite everyone to visit their site at LFR.
Most Recent Project Addition: Forum for Rape Survivors Over the last few months,
SRP added a new forum, solely for survivors of rape. The basis for SR has always been survivors of any sexual assault, though the majority of its members are adult survivors of child sexual assault. Since there are different issues involved with the distinctions of child abuse and adult rape, we have created SRP Rape Survivors. If you are a rape survivor, please feel free to join us there, in addition to SR.
SRPPartners
All partners, family, friends and supporters of survivors are invited to join the Yahoo SRP Partners, and the Delphi SRP Partners forums.

SRP Webring!!!
In the last few months we've picked up a few new ring members, so please stop by to check out our ring. If you have a web site that you would like to include in the ring, you can submit your site info on the Ring page of our web site. From this page, you can also see the Rings We Belong To.

Calling for Volunteers...
We have several things in The Project that in need of volunteers at the moment.
Anyone who is interested in writing for the SRPeNews, please contact the SRP Editor. The eNews is looking for regular features writers, news writers, book reviewers, and correspondents to cover events in each forum of The Project. You can submit a one-time piece, or join the staff as a regular contributor.
All of the forums are in constant need of chat moderators. If you would like to moderate a general or on-topic chat at Yahoo, private Yahoo conference, Delphi, IRC, or over ICQ, please let a founder know.
As always, thank you for your support!

In the Rooms...

Moderating Chats...
Please check the calendars at each chat site, in order to keep up with scheduled chats... Several new chats have been added in the SR room since last month, and we'd like to thank those members who have given some time to keeping chat open more frequently. We have had some daytime chats (EST) added in Yahoo Saferoom. So far, only Yahoo and Delphi are voice chat enabled. If you are unsure of the location of these chats, read the FAQ at the Saferoom site. Please take some time to check out these forums and chats. And if you can give even just an hour a week to host a chat, it would be great... We really need moderators who can host for non-standard US time zones. Speak with a founder to find out how to host a chat.

Forum Glitches... New Yahoo Stuff...
Yahoo... What's new? Yahoo has acquired eGroups.com (formerly Onelist.com), which may affect you if you are a Yahoo user, and have an ID at eGroups. You are required to merge IDs, to maintain access in both places. Any complaints about Yahoo should be directed to Yahoo Forum Bugs. There are no problems being reported currently at Delphi.

Shop The Project

Most of you are already aware that you can donate funds to The Project by shopping though our web site. Very soon we will be offering some original products made by and for SRP. until then, please visit our affiliates this month, Disney and Hershey's . You can visit their sites, and make online purchases by clicking the images here. To make contributions to The Project while you shop online, visit our Shop at The Project site. All donations go to the upkeep and maintenance of our web site, hosting fees, private server, and to our incorporation and legal non-profit status application fund. If you do not wish to shop online, but still desire to donate funds to The Project, please direct these inquiries to mrs88888 and copper_beech.

Therapy Landscape...
The SRP eNewsletter will include as a regular feature, different approaches in the world of therapy, known as Therapy Landscape. Watch this feature for challenges in therapy, new methods, and alternative healing resources. Any members who specialize in a field of therapy or healing are invited to submit articles on their experiences. Please contact copper_beech

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon a book review by womanofcourage
For many of us we struggle to find some type of common ground in our life. Many times I know that I feel like there is no common ground. Recently I have been reading a book entitled Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon. I discovered that I was not alone in many of my own daily struggles and even though part of me knew I was not alone, I some how needed some validation to help me see other survivors struggle with the same issues.
In the first part of the book they discuss " Survival and Recovery," Survivors stories, and The Damaged Caused by Sexual Abuse. The second part talks about "Why Me, ""Why I Didn't Tell and Ways to Tell as well as What Did Happen When I Did Tell. At the end of the chapters is an exercise to do as a way of helping survivors in healing from childhood sexual abuse. In the book it asks you to check off the effects of childhood sexual abuse has had on you from the list they provided. As I read down through the list, I found that I was checking many of the effects off. Some of the effects for me were fears, anxiety, nightmares, feeling dirty, shame and guilt which are a big one for me. There are many others on the list. These are just a few that I found myself checking off as I read through the list.
Another question is how the sexual abuse as a child has affected how you make choices in your adult life. Only we know how it has affected us. For me it has left me with the challenges of intimacy, trust, sexual interest and the type of relationships I involve myself with. I found that I tended to be drawn toward someone who was abusive and controlling because that is what I grew up in. Today I am very leery of whom I am with where I go and what I do each day.
Another aspect of the book is asking 'why me'. Hmm. That ‘why me’ question always seems to haunt survivors. For me I am usually asking that question to my T. She says that asking ‘why me’ is a typical question. The problem is there is no answer to that question. No matter what answer we may get from our abusers it will not satisfy that ‘why me’ questions within myself. For me my step-dad told me it was because I looked like my mom when she was young. I accepted that answer but, soon came to realize that his answer to my question was not acceptable he should not have done this to me no matter what. Why didn't I tell? Well simply I didn't know any better? How was I to know that what my abusers was doing to me were wrong?
What happened when I did tell? When I did tell the first time my guidance counselor contacted my parents and they sent me to a counselor who will remain nameless. This counselor insisted that I was not being honest with him and that I was just making this up. I suffered more abuse because of my telling. About a year and half after that I was failing all subjects in school and was once again called to the office. I was asked whether anything was going on at home. My immediate response was NO nothing is going on at home. The guidance counselor proceeded to tell me that if I didn't bring my grades up in the next two weeks they would have to pull me out of vo-tech. I didn't care-- I wasn't going to trust a school guidance counselor again.
I did finally go back and tell her that something was going on at home. She had told me I needed to go talk to a special person known as a school social worker about it. I was very hesitant because I didn't want to get in trouble again. The social worker assured me that my parents would not get the letter until I was back to school Monday. Well, low and behold they received it that Saturday and there was hell to pay that day. I ended up in a foster home that evening. I was scared because I had to sit at a police station for hours then to a crisis center until they could get an emergency foster care arranged for me. For now this is my stopping point I will continue next month with what happened and the last two parts of the book I am reading.
Remember to take care of yourself, and that you are a survivor as I am . Survivors heal together with their sharing and faith in each other!! If you find yourself having feelings about what you have read here, find someone you trust to talk to, or journal about your own feelings and experiences. Share them with someone else. Supporting each other makes all the difference.

*To purchase any of the books referenced in this article and donate profits to The Project, visit the shopping page at our web site, Saferoom.org and enter them into the search box for Amazon.com . You can also purchase this reviewed book by clicking its image, above./

...Writers ... Poets ... Artists

The SRP eNewsletter publishes artwork (poem, short prose, scanned artwork) by Project members each month. Only one submission will be published each month, which will be selected by the eNewsletter editors. Send all submissions as they are to be published to eNews Editor. This edition features Liral_Darkmoon's poetry.

What our members are doing...

All of the following information has been included at the request of the forum owners, who are members of a forum in The Saferoom Project. These forums are NOT part of The Project, and operate under different administrative requirements for membership. If you have a forum that you would like to have announced in the SRP eNewsletter, please send the information that you would like included to the Editor. We ask that you NOT use The Saferoom Project post boards or mailing list to announce other forums. Thank you!

Forums run by SR members
Soul Survivors Sanctuary Spiritual Survival Truth's Homepage SpiritQuest	Soul Survivor Sanctuary is a nondenominational club for survivors of sexual abuse to work together to reclaim their spiritual identity. Any belief system is welcome as long as you are nonjudgemental to the beliefs of others. This forum is located at Yahoo. Spiritual Survival is a discussion mailing list based at Onelist, focusing on healing methods, providing thought-provoking sharing for daily spiritual health. Contact truthsayer62 for more information. Also, visit Truth's pages to learn more about her.
	Rainbow Hope is a support and information website for lesbian survivors and their loved ones. There are a number of issues that affect lesbians survivors in a special manner-- family conflicts, partner relationships and acceptance of your sexual identity are some of them. There's no reason to feel alone on these issues-- that's why Rainbow Hope exists! Contact RainbowHope for more information.
Rape Prevention Coalition	The Rape Prevention Coalition is a new alliance of concerned citizens against rape. who are convinced that education and activism are the keys to reducing the instances of rape in our country. Contact bukey38 for more information.
POSitive Partners of Survivors	A place for the Partners of the SA to get the support they need. A place for them to vent, get advise and even some insight from Survivors. We are currently posting and we have a weekly chat as well. Contact Hrtfelt32via email or Yahoo! Messenger.
Charon's Journey	If you or someone you love is a survivor of rape or child sexual abuse, please join us at Charon's Journey...a circle of supportive survivors who are making the journey to wholeness... together. Contact bukey38 for more information.
Survivor Forums with which SR Members are affiliated
	A national hotline focusing on connecting survivors with intervention, counseling, and support services. For more info, see RAINN Contacts.
SRP Partners	The SRP Partners forum, for partners, friends, and family of sexual abuse survivors, is for supporters of survivors. For more info, write macaroni_duck.
	An advocacy organization focusing on the legal penalties of sex offenders. For more info, write Sandra Corell.

Acknowledgements

We would like to thank everyone who made our 2nd Annual SRPCon possible. It was wonderful to meet the new members who came, and see the faces of our old friends who have been with the Project for years, and were returning for another Con. Quite a few members of SR, and the Partner forum worked hard to put this Con together, and they have our highest thanks. We look forward to seeing everyone there next year!!
The founders would like to thank everyone for their continued support and continual efforts to keep The Saferoom Project a positive, healthy, and safe atmosphere!!!

About The Saferoom Project eNewsletter

Announcements
The SRP eNewsletter is mailed out on the 15th of every month, with pertinent information about The Saferoom Project, its affiliated resources, related forums, and events. If you would like to include an announcement in the eNewsletter, please send it to copperbeech by the 8th of each month. All other inquiries regarding writing for the eNewsletter should be directed to the same email.
Letters to the Editor
Letters to the Editor should be addressed as "Letters to the Editor", naming the article and author they are regarding. All Letters to the Editor may be retained for print in this publication. Please send them to Editor@saferoom.org.

Feel out of the loop? Read the SRP eNews Archive

Copyright © 2001 The Saferoom Project. All Rights Reserved.
All images and content of this site are property of The Saferoom Project, except where noted, and may not be reproduced without express permission. The Saferoom Project site was created and designed by The Saferoom Project, in conjunction with Database Design and Goldraven Publishing . Hosted by Xfire Software , 1999-2001.

Therapy Landscape... The SRP eNewsletter will include as a regular feature, different approaches in the world of therapy, known as Therapy Landscape. Watch this feature for challenges in therapy, new methods, and alternative healing resources. Any members who specialize in a field of therapy or healing are invited to submit articles on their experiences. Please contact copper_beech
*Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse* by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon a book review by womanofcourage For many of us we struggle to find some type of common ground in our life. Many times I know that I feel like there is no common ground. Recently I have been reading a book entitled Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon. I discovered that I was not alone in many of my own daily struggles and even though part of me knew I was not alone, I some how needed some validation to help me see other survivors struggle with the same issues. In the first part of the book they discuss " Survival and Recovery," Survivors stories, and The Damaged Caused by Sexual Abuse. The second part talks about "Why Me, ""Why I Didn't Tell and Ways to Tell as well as What Did Happen When I Did Tell. At the end of the chapters is an exercise to do as a way of helping survivors in healing from childhood sexual abuse. In the book it asks you to check off the effects of childhood sexual abuse has had on you from the list they provided. As I read down through the list, I found that I was checking many of the effects off. Some of the effects for me were fears, anxiety, nightmares, feeling dirty, shame and guilt which are a big one for me. There are many others on the list. These are just a few that I found myself checking off as I read through the list. Another question is how the sexual abuse as a child has affected how you make choices in your adult life. Only we know how it has affected us. For me it has left me with the challenges of intimacy, trust, sexual interest and the type of relationships I involve myself with. I found that I tended to be drawn toward someone who was abusive and controlling because that is what I grew up in. Today I am very leery of whom I am with where I go and what I do each day. Another aspect of the book is asking 'why me'. Hmm. That ‘why me’ question always seems to haunt survivors. For me I am usually asking that question to my T. She says that asking ‘why me’ is a typical question. The problem is there is no answer to that question. No matter what answer we may get from our abusers it will not satisfy that ‘why me’ questions within myself. For me my step-dad told me it was because I looked like my mom when she was young. I accepted that answer but, soon came to realize that his answer to my question was not acceptable he should not have done this to me no matter what. Why didn't I tell? Well simply I didn't know any better? How was I to know that what my abusers was doing to me were wrong? What happened when I did tell? When I did tell the first time my guidance counselor contacted my parents and they sent me to a counselor who will remain nameless. This counselor insisted that I was not being honest with him and that I was just making this up. I suffered more abuse because of my telling. About a year and half after that I was failing all subjects in school and was once again called to the office. I was asked whether anything was going on at home. My immediate response was NO nothing is going on at home. The guidance counselor proceeded to tell me that if I didn't bring my grades up in the next two weeks they would have to pull me out of vo-tech. I didn't care-- I wasn't going to trust a school guidance counselor again. I did finally go back and tell her that something was going on at home. She had told me I needed to go talk to a special person known as a school social worker about it. I was very hesitant because I didn't want to get in trouble again. The social worker assured me that my parents would not get the letter until I was back to school Monday. Well, low and behold they received it that Saturday and there was hell to pay that day. I ended up in a foster home that evening. I was scared because I had to sit at a police station for hours then to a crisis center until they could get an emergency foster care arranged for me. For now this is my stopping point I will continue next month with what happened and the last two parts of the book I am reading. Remember to take care of yourself, and that you are a survivor as I am . Survivors heal together with their sharing and faith in each other!! If you find yourself having feelings about what you have read here, find someone you trust to talk to, or journal about your own feelings and experiences. Share them with someone else. Supporting each other makes all the difference.
*To purchase any of the books referenced in this article and donate profits to The Project, visit the shopping page at our web site, Saferoom.org and enter them into the search box for Amazon.com . You can also purchase this reviewed book by clicking its image, above./