SRP Survivor Artwork And Poetry Gallery.....
All artwork and literature presented in this gallery are the property of its creators. No works contained in this gallery may be used without the express written permission of of their creator. The founders accept all submissions in good faith, accepting that they are original works by the noted author, and not someone elses original work they coppied. If we find that they are not, the listed author is legally responsible not the Saferoom Project, nor its founders. If such problem should arise the Project will remove said art work until and if we can determine who belongs to it.All members of The Project are eligible to
submit any poetry, prose, or digitized artwork for presentation in the Gallery. Please submit
your works as you want them to appear. We will do our best to keep the integrity of your
piece in its representation at our site. Submissions for the Gallery should be directed to
SaferoomProject.
untitled
I will rise
from
the ashes
of
myself
as many times as
it takes
and i will be free
april 1999
S K Harrell
Alone
You ask me , How I'm doing?
Do I tell you the truth?
Or do I lie?
If I tell you I'm ok, I've
lied and i'm
Alone again with my pain, eating
at my soul
But the truth
seems to be something you cannot deal with
Cannot handle
I must tell you
That I can't forget
I just can't seem to get
over it!!
I know you think
I should be over this
I know you think it's been
a long time
But I can't get over this on
your timetable, it has to be on
my terms
You see I need help
I need someone to
listen to me
To try and understand
As I tell you that , tears come
to my eyes
And I quickly
wipe away the tears so you don't see my pain
And then you quickly change the subject
"How am I doing?"
Well do you really want to know?
Or is that just conversation between friends
Well I will do better when you start listening to me
If you could only understand
Understand
That I need to get this out
This constant pain that's inside me
Is unbearable at times
I know you cannot fully understand
You cannot fully comprehend
Yet I need you to understand
I need you to care
I need you to stop thinking I should get over "It"
I need you to stop avoiding me, out of fear I may bring it up
You see when I keep this inside
I am alone again
Alone with nothing but my thoughts
Nothing but this emptiness
Nothing but the shame, and guilt
Alone
I want you to know that I don't need you to do anything
Just be there
So I know you care
When you ask me how I am
Please listen to my answers
Hear my unspoken words
Feel my pain
Please don't forget or avoid asking me how I am
See when you do that
I am forced to hold this pain inside
Forced to be
Alone
Forced to suffer with my pain Alone
Forced to be silent again
And that creates distance between us
Separating us
So
Next time you ask me how I am
Listen to Me
Hear Me
Help Me
Stand by Me
Spare me the pain of being Alone
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Self Portrait: My Secret By: Teralyn
My eyes
Are always awake
Observing the oddities
Of a species
Called human,
But
Those nervous eyes
Turn blank
As I plunge
Into the realm
Of my imagination
I
And the sea
Become one
Riding a dolphin
Into the sky
To laugh and to cry;
In the face of
A supercilious sun
Leaving behind
The trials
That doggedly try
To mangle my dreams
When I am
Abruptly
Jerked
Back to a harsh
Empty existence,
I smile,
Secretly
Knowing that
Another world
Lies inside of me.
©Teralyn 1999
The Way
The way I wonder did it really happen or did I make this up
The way I think that maybe I wanted it to happen
The way I think maybe I liked it
The way I get confused over the details I remember
The way I Space out and split
The way I have mood swings
The way I'm not there during sex
The way I can forgive everyone else except myself
The way I can't say no
The way I learned to shut off my feelings
The way I need to control everything
The way I have low self esteem
The way I wet my bed till I was 12
The way I have shut everyone out
The way I gained weight
The way I have almost no childhood memories
The way I feel alone
The way in which I feel it's my fault
TO
The way I've learned Bio-Feedback & Emdr
The way I Realize that I am worthy of happiness
The Way I know it was not my fault
The way I know I must take the power back from my abusers The Way I read this
And Know
For sure
It really did happen
By Marlena (Mrs88888)
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited All Rights Reserved
Tunnel of Darkness
I've been walking down the tunnel of life.
The tunnel of life I have seen the darkest of the night.
Been through the darkness when I was sexually abused.
I wondered, would there never be any kind of light?
Memories became too intense.
For those who know the sorrow, I've been there.
I can only sympathize.
I want to say I care.
How dare the abusers for taking my soul away!
My childhood soul was so trusting, so carefree!
I could dance around for hours, so happily!
As a child, I was always so glad to be me.
My self esteem became tattered and torn.
My soul lost somewhere in the distant past.
Too scared to get close to any one...
How long will this sorrow last?
I felt so helpless when I was hurt by those.
The tears of my soul fell like a waterfall.
I wanted to deny my sorrow, but I knew I couldn't forever.
I know who abused me - they are just as cold as a wall.
I want to step out of the darkness.
My memories are still there, and I want to set the child in
me free.
She was such a precious, little girl, so trusting,
I embrace her with all my heart.
I come so close to the child I was, and wonder can any one
ever love
me?
by Julie, A Survivor
My life has been damaged by those who have
hurt me.
My spirit has been crushed by words and thoughtless cruelty.
My faith in others will never be the same.
To trust is to only feel pain.
My life is spent wondering about what others think of me.
Will my spirit ever be set free?
Some people would call me crazy.
Sometimes denying this isn't easy.
Am I a fool for doubting the stability of my own
mind?
The answer to this is one I can't find.
It is painful to wonder about my own sanity.
Will my spirit ever be set free?
Through abuse and through rape,
Through love and through hate,
Through my losses and through my gains,
Through sunshine and through rainy days,
I have lived my life.
These memories remain.
These thoughts are what haunt me.
Will my spirit ever be set free?
My eyes fill with tears as I look back on my
life.
How can one person live through so much strife?
Is there hope for one such as me?
Will my spirit ever be set free?
©Teralyn 1999
Shadows
Darkness falls and shadows grow
children snuggle under their covers
feeling safe and secure
unaware of the terror yet to come
she hears his footsteps and softly cries to herself
for she knows what will happen
it has happened every night
he picks her up and begins to take a little
more of her innocence away
the child cries out and the shadow says
because I love you
Copyright ©amy 11/17/98
My Sister
She was the recipient of my abuse
I never really knew if she knew the truth.
I know the answer to that question now.
We were in it together, but I never knew exactly how.
She stood back, watched and listened.
Its funny how, she knew as a small child that, I was resisting.
She took the pain away from me and then… I was free!
She was there, when I needed her.
I never knew that SHE in the end, would be
my only true friend.
Tell me why, Oh, tell me why,
this little girl so quiet and shy
Would be the only one who looked into my eyes.
She would be the one who stopped my cries!
Our whole family was there but no one else seemed to care.
She took my pain she knew that when it came to me he was insane!
He turned to her and, she accepted
I ran without the torch for the first time.
Freedom! Freedom! …Will be mine!
She stood alone and waved… good bye
I didn't even stop to see...that she was cryin
I know now that she was strong and was helping me to carry on.
She took my abuse and made it hers and don't you see?
She never even blamed me.
Oh where, Oh where could those girly days have went? When two sisters
should have been playing but really had never even met.
We are adults now, or are we?
There are still so many things we need.
Two sisters come together with the same chain.
It links us back together to those unforgotten days and, for us those
times will never change.
Except that...knowingly, we now stand together in our unforgettable lives
I try to help her and she with me and most of the time we hear each
other's plea.
I still will never forget the time that she was the one who was strong
and saved me!
For that, I will never let her be alone and I will always be forever
strong.
Even though I owe her a child's life. She will be happy knowing that I
am helping her to stay alive. Alive until, together we see our light and
we can sleep through the night.
This is dedicated to my sister Barbara
Barbara, I love you and I will always be here for you.
Mother
Joyce, of the golden-blond hair,
and the big blue eyes,
A woman who escaped a painful past,
with determination
and a strong mind.
Joyce, wife of a good man,
and mother of three,
Who lives unselfishly,
and thinks of others first.
Joyce, with a heart of gold
overflowing with love,
is kind to all.
Love
Your Daughter,
Laura
From ebubbles48
My dauhgter wrote this last year while in collage
untitled
When I was younger
I knew what it felt like
to be shattered
I don't know why I knew
But I did
Shattered was a part of me
I knew shatttered from the 1st time
we met
I never knew love
I just knew shattered
People fall in love
People break each others hearts
People are shattered
I never knew love
I never broke any hearts
But I was shattered
How can that be?
All I know is
Shattered is a part of me
Leah H. 1999
untitled...Those who try the hardest to please, usually have the most to hide...
Leah H. 1999
untitledI know there's a god
I know he loves people
I know we should pray
But I can'tI know he forgives
But not me
I know he cares
But how could he?I am on the outside looking in
On all the people and their sin
But mine is worse
And he know its trueMy soul is gone
I've known since I was five
That others would remain aliveBut as for me
and my tainted soul
There is no light, no reason, no goalLeah H. 1999
untitled
I am afraid to close my eyes
I don't know why
My mind it pries
I am afraid to go to sleep
I do know why
The secret I keep
I am afraid to face the day
I don't know why
Can't even pray
I am afraid of day and night
one reality
The other fright
Both are enemies to me, you see
Fear is just
Reality
Awake is not good, its only delusion
Asleep isn't better
It just brings confusion
So here I am, insomniac I've become
To hold back the fear
Keep myself numb
Leah H. 1999
"Help Me - I'm Drowning"Help me. I feel like I'm drowning
In a sea of emptiness.
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
That will prevent me drowning.Help me. I feel like I've gone ten rounds
With Mohammed Ali
And come off the worst
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
That will prevent me bleeding to death.Help me. Death sounds a great prospect
After being through what I've been through
She's gone - forever and ever
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
To prevent me carrying out half-empty threats.Help me. The nightmares haunt me
Day and night. At home at school.
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
Before I lose myself in this horror.
by__parkhead princess
"LOST - SOS"
Help me. I'm so Confused.
I don't know which way to turn.
Who to believe.
What to believe.
What I say,
What I think,
What I feel makes sense
Its logical. Perfectly logical.
I don't believe in myself
Therefore I don't believe what they say.
I don't believe the nice things said.
I believe they are lying.
But why would so many people lie to me?
For my own good? To make me feel better?
Or to laugh at me when I begin to believe?
by__parkhead princess
What is wrong with Marie?
She is suppose to be cheerful,
She is suppose to be innocent and sweet
Now she is acting weird
Today Marie is rather strange;
She is suppose to be out
Laughing, playing, singing
Or dreaming and wanting to shout
Like any normal child her age....
Catching butterflies
On a sunny afternoon
Or fireflies in late June;
But Marie is acting rather distant these days
She is rather sad and quiet
Perhaps this is much more serious
Than I feared
Marie is acting rather weird
There is a distant gleam
Inside her sad brown eyes
Where there used to be a twinkle
In her eyes, now there is a certain dimness
That seemed not to be there before
What’s wrong with Marie?
Her cheeks which shamed the reddest rose
Now is rather pale
And her youthful glow
Which illuminated her soul with radiance
Is gone forever in darkness
All that remains of her happiness
Is a faint, distant revarie...
Her soul, once full of ageless beauty and innocence
Is now an empty well
Which is seventeen fathoms deep
She was always so carefree
She was always so loveable
She was always a trusting, innocent little girl
But now she is afraid of her own shadow
She doesn’t perform the simplest task
Before she used to glide effortlessly
Across her day
Like a ballerina, slim and graceful
Now in seems
That her world has stopped and is quite frozen
Her face seems to tell
A sad, sad, shameful tale
Of pain, misery, and grief
Yet she is afraid to tell her story
To a world who refuses to believe
What is wrong with Marie?
I am afraid to ask!
MG Teddy ©1998
An angel shed some tears todayferal
i remember free-falling
a spirit leaf
fallen from a goddess treefalling into flesh and bone
into a cradle
in your housealthough the soul
moves freely between
the lines
coloring inside and outleaving blurry edges
in the trappings of skinand while the spirit is strong
it’s the body that counts here
a filter for experience
like water through coffee groundsproducing something we hope
we can lift to our lips
and savor
sumptuous and sweeti remember looking up out of that cradle at you
and i remember quaking in this body as i did it
trapped
the memory fled
along with any taste of that
elixirand i learned to walk the night
to eek out of my pores
into awe
and feelingonce again
floated
on the breeze
of all that isyet tangled in that silver cord
the binds me
to meand i began to miss it
my body methe smell of sunshine
browning grass
the tingling
in the arms after a hug
these things
don’t grow on goddess trees
no matter the peace
in her branches
choosing
i became the vine
wrapping her trunkinside my lines
and out
the wild of this life
washing ripe
and gamey
over meno more falling
but gliding
willfully
free
as i was
before i ever knew youi wander
and return
as i pleasefree
13 may 99
S K Harrellmarshall law
if you enter here
you waive your rights
back of the line with your
trembling
lips and your reasonable adjustment
there is a war going on here
and if you don't watch i'll
take you with
i'll take you down if i
have to
this isn't tea this
isn't school
this is my life and you need
to just stay the fuck back.that mighty warrior caellaigh
illuminated shadow whose
robes of naked survival i have worn
and she wore my
name
circling my campfire
when finally i looked upon
her face
the eyes of a mischievous child
greeted me
defender
protector
toy soldier in a yellow frock
and tennis shoes
when i held her
she apologized
but i thanked her
and
for once i am not
proud
of who i became
finally
i am shamed.
8 oct 1998
S K Harrell
those tears were just for me
he looked into my past and saw
all my pain and misery
I really wanted to face it
but no matter how I tried
I turned my head in shame
and found a place to hide
Today he told me not to cry
and took me under his arm
he told me that he'd comfort me
and keep me safe from harm.
And even tho my life still has shadows
he told me I could still sing
because the shadows that I see
are from the safety of his wing.
My life is different for me now
and I can release the pain
for I have found my reason
to survive without the shame.
My guardian angel watches
and protects me with his love
when he sees danger coming
he calls upon the Master from above.
He shows me my dark blanket
that's oh so very old
but now I see him weaving
with strands of brightest gold.
From the heart of SilencedAngel
Death
I lie there and wish I was not
I feel tears but they do not come
I try to scream but I cannot even breathe
A pain so deep in my soul my heart threatens to rip
I scrape and cut at the skin to get rid of pain
Or at least over shadow the internal with something external
I look up at you standing over me
My eyes terrified
My body trembling
You stand over me with power
I am nothing
To you I am nothing
And I am nothing
I wish you would beat me or take my life
I don’t want to wake up in the morning
Look in the mirror and not know who I am
Who I could have been
I pray to God “take my life”
I lie in bed waiting to die
But I don’t
I try to take my own life but I am rescued
But from what?
Death? I am already dead.
You have taken my life and left me with this
A broken body, a shattered soul
And no hope
Mandi
Survivors
Survivors I have found out are not alone
They are people who fight to be strong.
On the outside they appear to be strong
On the inside they wonder what's wrong.
Survivors have to learn to love themselves
And fight to believe in themselves.
Surviving is a constant struggle
To keep you're life in a little bubble.
They live their life ready to bust
But it is really hard to trust.
Survivors Are people who fight to live long
And really struggle to be strong.
One day you want to die
And the next you want to strive.
Survivors live in a state of confusion
Never knowing what we are doing.
But we are a caring bunch
Always looking for someone's hart to touch.
Survivors never know which way they are going
But watch out, we are still growing.
Kim May 1999
The Process of Healing
They tell me things will get better
That life won't be such a blur
The feelings I have are so complex
The thing that they reflex
I will be sitting there one minute just fine
And the next, things are flooding my mind
The memories are getting bigger
Each time they are triggered
They flood my mind
In a moment of time
Their there in a flash
To remind you of the past
The memories are so complex
Their harder to deal with then the sex
Then the little girl
The one with the curls
The one that looks so sad
It makes me feel mad
She is only a slight memory to me
And I know she wants to be free
But from what I can recall
She will be safe tucked behind my wall
I am confused at this time
I wish I didn't have to go back in time
But to go on with my future
The little girl has to be nurtured.
By Kim
May 29,1999
Silent Tears
You fight back sleep hoping night will never come
You close your eyes wishing sweet dreams will come
The dreams you dream are not sweet at all
The dreams you dream are nightmares to allAll quite now may catch up on my sleep
You listen carefully to make sure he is asleep
I close my eyes to rest for awhile
In hopes he will stay in exileThen all of a sudden the door opens with care
Oh boy I am really scared
He walks over and turns down the covers
Oh how I wish I could hoverHe lifts up my shirt and takes down my pants
Oh boy I wish this would pass
I lay here pretending to be asleep hoping he would go away
Instead he begins to have his wayFirst comes one hand and then the next
He places my hand on a small little neck
I hold back the tears as he begins to roam
Up and down my hand is forced to goHis hand begins to roam from head to toe
Oh no! My tears are ready to go
But I can't then he'll know I'm awake
My body begins to shakeOh god I wish this would stop
My tears are ready to pop
I can't cry, I can't cry
Oh know, they are tryingOh have no fear
It's my Silent tear
Kim May 1999
Abuse is a thing that should not happen at all
Especially to the ones that are very small
Children are special little people
And should be protected like all gods creatures
Children are born with a gleam in their eyes
And innocents in there minds
Children should be allowed to grow
And develop very slow
Children have a right to be themselves
Not forced on by someone else
Once children are abuse
The lost innocents is not amused
You learn to mistrust
And learn to lust
You learn to lie
And you feel like you want to die
Always feeling dirty
As you have to do your duty
He won't go away
He tends to stay
You try to fight
But he comes every night
The more you resist
The more he gets ticked
Life as a child
Is not always mild
He comes to your bed
And want's some head
You close you eyes
And wish him away
Oh God, why does he treat me this way
She watches in the distant
And I wonder, Oh why don't she help
Oh mommy, Oh mommy please help
A life of a child
Is not always mild you see
All they want to do is please
A child knows this does not feel right
But what is she to do
It's the father that visit her at night
What is she to do!
The child pleads, Oh please don't do that
Then all of a sudden she feels a smack
The child gets tired and shuts down her feeling
And one of these days she will learn her true feelings
Kim May 1999
The wall
The wall, it gets to be so tall
That it suffocates us all
The wall was built brick by brick
To help us keep out the pricks
To help us hide from the pain
And try to keep us sane
We lock up our emotions
And just go though the motions
We all feel like we're the only one
In this lonely little pond
The wall can keep you safe
In the right time and place
But the wall needs to come down
When it starts to bring you down
Slowly, though
So your mind don't blow
Life outside that wall
Is different for all
Brick by brick
You can get rid of the pricks
And life outside the wall
Can be safe for us all.Kim
June 27,1999Day The Angels Cried The other day the angels cried
And flooded Earth with their angelic tears
Tears that could never again be dried
Their cries finally fell into God’s ears
When a child is injured by a violent hand
And is stripped of every basic human right
Heaven’s angelic clan
Witness in horror at such a cruel, violent sight;
God made the little children
To enhance Earth’s beauty
Like tiny seeds that in God’s garden
Grow with the Creator’s Love;
The other day a child was hurt
By a cruel and cowardly deed
That made her feel like dirt
When a child is injured in such a way
It makes her soul bleed
And tears her world in twain;
When a child suffers this awful crime
She spends her life in pain
Oh this afwul offense
Leaves a cruel scar of shame
That leaves an everlasting stain
and stains forever the fabric of innocence
God in his Sovereign Throne
Condemns such acts of violence
And does frown
Upon this ghastly unpardonable sin
Against His most precious children
The other day the angels cried
And all of heaven’s citizens suffered with them
A tiny heart full of pain and inconsolable grief
Sent her pleas heavenward
And prayed with a tremendous will
That she could quickly heal
And not carry this unbearable burden
in this godforsaken world
Year after year
Alone with her ordealMG Teddy ©1998
HANDLE ME WITH CARE
by A SurvivorI know you haven't been where I have been.
Sometimes, you don't understand me.
The flashbacks can overshadow me.
It's so hard for me to be.Sometimes, there's just too much sorrow.
It seems, I am more fragile than you.
It's so hard for you to know what I'm feeling.
The memories of abuse - that's all I knew.Please treat me with respect all the time.
Please handle me with care, in a kind way.
Please don't reject me and please don't leave me.
I know you don't understand when I have a bad day.If you could just say, I understand.
My childhood has left me, and it has gone who knows where?
Yet, I realize you know where I've been.
Please handle me with care."FEELINGS"
So many mixed feelings inside of me
it's dark in here I just cant see,
Sometimes I just sit and stare
in my eyes there is such a glare.
Oh how I have learned not to trust
So Long ago God,now I really Must,
I learned to hide the hurt and just be numb
Let me understand please just some.
They say it's healthy how I've numbed out
but why is it I have some doubt,
Sometimes I sit and cry and cry
at times I cant cry and I dont know why.
Sometimes I feel so heavy and sad inside
at times I feel nothing but how hard I try,
Sometimes I have so many word in there inside
I want to talk but,the word wont come outside.
I feel like I'm different from everyone else
almost like a broken doll sitting upon a shelf,
Like I'm damaged and sometings wrong with me
people can see it so plain when they look at me.
I never really felt like I fit in anywhere
maybe that's why I felt people always stared,
Inside I wanted people to care about me
wanted to be cared for and accepted you see.
I was a little girl when they all hurt me so
all I wanted was them to leave and just go,
Now I'm all grown up and here I am
just surviving healing and doing all I can.
Please don't ignore me and push me away
I only want to be accepted as I am, I pray,
I am Not Flawed won't you please see
I didn't hurt anyone it wasn't me....
I know I can Love,Trust again and feel
I am here and I really do want to heal,
I am taking things one new day at a time
Thats all Gods given me and all that is mine.
"Gmaw"10-4-99
I have grown alot in the past few years
through the work of healing and the tears
SURVIVING
Where did that little girl go?
Did that little girl ever exist?
Or was she inside her protective shell
somewhere within herself hiding,
too afraid of the world to emerge?
Where did that little girl go?
Did that little girl ever exist?
Or was she locked in a foetal position
somewhere within her mind,
to avoid the darkness of reality?
Where did that little girl go?
Did that little girl ever exist?
Or did she drown in her silent tears,
alone in her mind as always,
to escape the shadows of existence?
Where are you little girl, you are somewhere.
You have to be somewhere, I know.
Don't hide any more, come be with me now.
We will laugh, we will love, we will grow
and together as one, we'll become whole.
Zellie
Cut along the dotted line
I wish I could
but I'm to scared
don't you see me
there's so much we've shared.
I sit alone
no lights on
you're at work
and everyone's gone.
A thought repeating in my mind,
"cut along the dotted line."
A simple cut
a small incision
one last thought
a big decision
do I cut or do I flee
the razor's sharp
it speaks to me
A thought repeating in my mind,
"Just cut along the dotted line."
Why do I hurt
why can't I feel
which way is love
and what kind is real?
Will someone love me
or am I alone
it's my decision no one is home
A thought repeating in my mind
"Damnit cut along the dotted line!!"
The knife so shiny
it cuts so deep
I cut my way up
my arm so steep
It's almost there now
I'm almost through
there they are,
the veins that are blue
A thought repeating in my mind,
"I can't cut along the dotted line."
I turn my arm over
cut up and along
think happy thoughts,
pictures and songs.
I don't even feel it
I don't really care
I really need you
but you are not there
A thought repeating in my mind,
"I wish I could cut that dotted line."
MAC 11:24 p.m. 9/21/99The Worst There are scars that I cannot hide
And in others I can't confide
Can't tell another of my pain
It's driving me insane.
It hurts so bad
But feels so good
You say that you forgive me
And I wish you would.
Can't sort out the feelings,
Can't get any thing straight
Filled with love
When I should be with hate.
Different emotions
I cannot conceal
Yet I must
I don't know if they're real.
Don't know who to talk to
And who to avoid
Can't feel quite right
And I can't fill the void.
Don't know what's happening
in some kind of strange space
Happiness, loneliness, rage
All lost in this place.
No one believes me
And no one cares
My problems are mine,
And theirs are theirs.
I am feeling SO empty
I feel I may burst
And the most surprising
Is that isn't the worst.
The worst is not knowing
Where you've been, what you've done
Not knowing who you've been out with,
If you were tortured or had fun.
The worst is the bleeding,
As it runs down your arm,
The worst is the feeling
That you've caused yourself harm.
The worst is not feeling,
But when you do
No knowing if it's made up
Or if it is true.
The worst is the disbelief,
The stares of your peers
They all laugh at you
They laugh at your fears.
The worst is not notting.
The worst is the can'ts
The worst is the fear
And the death
And the smell of your blood
And the humiliation
And the hurting
And did I mention the fear
How it grips you
How it holds you
And it rapes you
As it tells you
IT WILL NEVER LET YOU GO
MAC 3:03 p.m. September 18, 1999
I AM THE SURVIVOR
He poised as my friend
for eight long years
he made me laugh and smile
calmed my fears and dried tears.
I went to his house
played Nintendo or watched TV
but that's not what he was doing,
he was watching me.
Through all my break-ups,
he always seemed to care
he held my hand,
and with his he combed my hair
I knew how he felt,
he wanted more than a friend
but how could I know,
his obsession had no end?
AND JUST SO HE KNOWS
FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE
BUT I WANT HIM TO HEAR ME SAY,
KISS OFF...I SURVIVED!!!
He came to church with me
prayed like a good little boy
all the while thinking of
how he could use me as his toy
He'd call me
and we'd talk for hours
we'd hang up
he went and took cold showers.
And then August second, 1997
he invited me over.
he reviewed his plan,
held his four-leaf clover
When I got there I was upset,
he told me it would be ok
in an intimate moment I kissed him
wanted to leave, but he made me stay.
AND JUST SO HE KNOWS,
FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE
HE MAY HAVE STRIPPED ME OF MY PRIDE
BUT IN THE END I SURVIVED
I went to his room
I looked up as he locked the door
I panicked and I ran
and he knocked me to the floor
And then he RAPED me,
and took all my self-worth
I felt like such slime,
under that pile of dirt.
My mind rushed
I lost track of time
I remember every word
and how he made the fault mine.
I walked back home
my lip bloody, shirt torn
I wished I were dead,
either that or never born.
SO I MAY HAVE LOST THAT DAY
AND FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE.
BUT NOW I HAVE WON,
BECAUSE I SURVIVED.
SO HE BEAT ME
IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM BEATEN
HE HAS TO LIVE WITH WHAT HE DID
SO I'M THE SURVIVOR
AND HE IS MY VICTIM
MAC 4:23 p.m. 8/2/97Flick the switch.
I wish I could convey to you, how bad I feel inside
How lost and lonely life's become, when everything just died
You flicked the switch to darkness, my innocence was gone
This set the wheels in motion, the journey would be long
You shattered my existence, and broke my childhood dreams
And did it without a care in the world, atleast that's how it seems
So how long did you hate me?, before you let me know
Before you took to beating me and silencing me with a blow
But that wasn't all you wanted, no! you wanted me as well
To use and abuse for your desires, and hold me in your spell
You told your friends of what you did, and laughed as you spoke
Don't you wonder what they thought of you, You poor pathetic joke
For all these years I wanted to believe, that you were a victim too
But that's no longer possible, I know the venom that was "you"
I held my silence for way to long, now it's finally time to speak
And if no one believes me, Its ok, I will turn the other cheek
I'm no longer the weak little sister, who tried to stand and fight
I no longer fear anything about you, as I finally saw the light
I don't care if you admit to this or deny it and call me insane
If it keeps your kids safe tonight, then it was worth all this pain.
Silentwhispa Sept99Yes I'm talking to you!!
Hello, are you listening, do you know what you did
Can you hear what I'm saying, I was just a kid
Why did you do it, didn't you think it would damage
Or were you to busy getting off to worry about baggage
You told me I was to sensual, "yeah, its called INNOCENCE"
You told me it was to teach me, "you've no COMMONSENSE"
So if it was so above board, why was mum never home
Why did you keep it a secret and disconnect the phone
You ruined those years and I can never get them back
I suffer the results now, and I hate you for that
Did you give it one thought how it would effect my life
Or just think it was necessary, to make me a good wife
Well you did screw up my life, you ignorant man
Then tell me it wasn't bad when the shit hits the fan
If you'd left me alone, I would have figured life out
But I trusted you, I mean, dad, that's what it's about
Do you honestly believe you were doing the right thing
Can you sleep at night? do you feel guilty or ANYTHING
I can never forgive you for what happened back then
But I'm forced to act happy and act like your friend
You betrayed all my trust, with your selfish needs
And stood by while big brother did HIS horrid deeds
You tell me you asked him, he said, "he did nothing"
Funny how you believe him, kinda tells me something
But then I guess, all your women, were just friends too. Right?
I feel very sorry for mum, She wasn't strong enough to fight
You think I'm indulgent, dwelling on this and being in therapy
Saying I had a good life, with no reason for being unhappy
Well guess what? You helped cause my life to fall apart
Your only job was to protect me, not break my heart
I would have done anything for you, I was your kid,
So Take responsibility for this and OWN what you did.By Silentwhispa (copyright July99)